Life goes on
by Arilynna
Summary: Shannons thoughts while she sits near the dead Boone.


**Life goes on**

_Gone. It's over. Forever. These words are so final, no one can take them back. And no one can bring you back. I can't believe it. I can't believe in anything anymore. I can't really think about anything. There's just...silence all around me. Everything is so empty. Because you're not there anymore. But still you're lying here.  
__I look at you face, see your peaceful features, free from any emotion. Did you know that I loved to watch you sleep when we were younger? Do you remember the night when we were alone at home and there was a thunderstorm? I was nine or ten and I was so scared, but you lay down with me, held me, stroked my hair and told me stories and fairytales. You could tell them so easily, they just came to your mind. And when you began to speak they became real, and I forgot the world around me and the thunderstorm, because I knew I was safe with you and your stories. You held me until I fell asleep, free from any worries and fears, and when I woke up the next morning, you were still there. Your mouth was slightly opened and I could hear you breathing into my ear. It was so peaceful, you looked so peaceful that I wasn't able to wake you up. I lay there about half an hour, just watching you sleep, but when you woke up I said I had just woken up some moments earlier.  
It was never easy for me to show my feelings. Especially to you. I can pull up an act just like an actress would, but if it comes to telling what I really feel I can't. I know you thought I was laughing about your sentimentality, your weakness of not being able to hide your feelings, but in fact I envied you for that ability. But the only thing I was ever able to do was taking advantage of that weakness, taking your money and playing with your heart. I can't imagine how much it must have hurt you what I did to you. And now I think I can't find an excuse. I just did what I could do best. Sometimes I even laughed at you when you lived just to help other people. It was your destiny, I think, dying because you wanted to help, because you were a true hero. No doubt, you thought you could save us all or do something to rescue us. I don't know what happened, but whatever you did in the jungle, I hope it was worth your death.  
You always wanted to protect me, you thought I couldn't live without your help. How hard it must have been for you to realise that I just tricked you. I regret that now. I never did before, but I always thought the time would come when we would talk about it and you would forgive me. But now it's too late and I can just hope that you did forgive me. Forgive me everything I did to you, forgive me who I am.  
Did you ever know that I loved you? I loved you all the time, loved you for beeing there for me. You were the only one who was there for me, who really cared about me. I always loved you for that. There's a saying that tells us just when something's gone you realise what it meant to you. Now that you're gone I think – I know - you were the most important person in my life. You were always there for me, right from the start, and you were the one I could always rely on. When something was wrong, I knew you would help. The thought of you gave me strength, self-confidence, the thought that there would always be someone who loved me and to whom I could hold on whatever would happen.  
__And now you're gone. Just gone. Forever. I will never argue with you again, will never hurt you again, will never show you how much I need you. I hope you knew that. That I needed you, more than anything else, although I said I didn't.  
When I had my asthma attack I was so glad, so thankful that you were there. I imagined how I would have felt, how it would have been if you weren't with me on this island. And now it happend. Of course I now know the others better than before, and I have Sayid, but no one can replace you. No one can be the one for me that you were.  
Life goes on. That's what they always say when someone dies. Sure, life goes on. I'm going to make my way alone now, although I can't imagine life without you. I definitely can't. 'Cause you were always there. Life goes on. My life goes on and I will live it. But it will never be the same. And I will never be completely happy again. I will never be whole again. A part of me died with you. Maybe the most human part of me. Maybe the most cruel and careless part of me, too. But one thing's for sure. It was the part that loved you, as my brother, as the one who was there for me. I'm sorry I could never give you what you wanted. That I never felt the same for you as you for me. Maybe life would have been easier if I would have felt that way. Yes, sure it would have. But we would have never been happy together. Like we never were. There were always these arguments, and yes, I know it was always because of me. But I couldn't live with you next to me, when you were always that perfect and I was just the little snob, the selfish girl. I had to search for your failures because I had so many. Of course it was the perfect chance for me to know that you were in love with me. The perfect, untainted Boone was in love with his stepsister and shouldn't be. Maybe that was the reason I was so cruel to your heart. That was the perfect excuse for all my failures and mistakes.  
But there's something that I will never be able to forgive myself. I think you never really knew that I loved you from the start. That I enjoyed the night in your hotel room and that I didn't do this to have an excuse, to blackmail you. The thing I wish most to have done is to tell you just one time what I felt for you. Why is it too late now? Why wasn't I there to say goodbye, to tell you some final words, to give you one last kiss? It's too hard to say goodbye that way, it hurts too much. Yes, it hurts, more than anything I felt before. I can't believe you're gone. That you died without me by your side, while I was with Sayid, while I told him your deepest secret that just we both knew. Something of me has gone with you, I think you took a part of my heart, not just a part of myself. Why would it hurt that much, if it wasn't my heart?  
Oh God, how can I go on without you, Boone? How can I live with the knowledge of your lonely death on this damn island without me by your side? How can I live with the knowledge that you loved me and I just hurt your feelings? How can I live when I never told you all the things I wanted to but never could? How can I live when I never asked you to forgive me? Why? Why did it had to be this way? Why couldn't you die as an old man, after we had talked it all over? Boone, I don't see a way to live on without you. I never felt lonely, I always thought I had lots of friends and I could find new ones very quickly. But what do these friends mean to me when I can replace them so easily? The only one who can't be replaced is you. I'm lonely without you, alone on this whole damn world with no one who understands me. To whom will I go when I'm down, when I make my next mistake and when I need comfort and someone to hold me? I can't imagine that there is someone in this world who can be there for me like you did. That there is someone like you. And that means I will be alone the rest of my life. The worst thought is that I never knew you were all I had. I never appreciated what I had in you, I just hurt you over and over again, was jealous and blind.  
I'm sorry. That's the only thing I can say. But it will never be enough. And even if you can hear all my thoughts it's too late. I will never find peace now. I think I will remain the selfish brat I always seemed to be. You know what the most ironic thing is? There was just one person who could comfort me now, who would know what to say and how to calm me down. And that person is you. So, I think, I'm damned. Sounds good, doesn't it? I'm damned by myself.  
Boone, I would give everything I had, I would do everything I could if you could just be alive again. It's not fair that you're lying here with your eyes closed and your heart not beating anymore. It's not fair that they will bury you deep into the ground and you will never awake again. Not you. You were always the good one, the brave one. You didn't deserve to die. Maybe it should be me for all I did. But maybe this is what fate wanted. I think you would say I'm too egoistic to give up, even when you're not there. Do you think you could have lived without me? Well you barely could live with me, so what does it matter? All these questions make no sense because it's too late, nothing can make it undone, no one can bring you back or change the past. But although I'm praying, I'm begging that it's all just a dream. That I could do something, anything to make you alive. Everyone who loses someone dear to them has these thoughts. So I think they will pass. I will go on and smile and tell them I'm ok. Like I always did. I will hide my feelings, will act like an actress who lives a role from the script. But something inside me is broken and will never be fixed.  
__Because, Boone, I loved you.  
_


End file.
